• ···
#bringbackthebush. Let’s talk about the hairy V

#MeToo – Jeg skammer mig ikke

22643378_10209353614068499_58514482_o

Louise har netop delt sin rørende historie om at blive seksuel krænket. Læs den her.
Der fortæller hun om et brev, vi fik fra en 17 årige pige efter vores fjerde program af Ludermanifestet på P1 er blevet sendt, som handler om uønskede seksuelle erfaringer og overgreb. LYT HER.

Programmet fik en 17 årige pige til at skrive til mig, med sin egen beretning af. Hun var som 15 årig fuld til en fest, og lidt væk fra festen med en fyr. Hun afviste ham flere gange, men får så blackout og det næste hun husker er, at han har sex i hendes krop og at det gør ondt. Hun har nu i 2 år skammet sig over denne episode og kaldte det hende “dumme fejltagelse”. Hun skrev til mig, fordi det at høre vores program fik hende til at overveje, om hun faktisk var blevet voldtaget. At det ikke var hendes skyld eller noget hun skulle skamme sig over.

En voldtægt. Når det bliver portrætteret i medier, er det altid noget mere eller mindre dramatisk: det sker et sted, som en park eller natklub, og voldtægtsmanden tvinger sig på ofret på trods af hendes solide modstand. Men de fleste voldtægter er mere trivielle, og sker oftest mellem bekendte og derhjemme. Ofte er det sådant, at der går flere dage eller år før det kommer op for kvinden at hun er blevet voldtaget, lige som i tilfældet med pigen som skrev til Louise. Den mand, som har voldtaget mig var også en bekendte, en sympatisk mand, en familiefar, en interessant samtalepartner. Jeg kom frivilligt hjem til ham til en kop kaffe efter byen. Jeg var rigtig træt og jeg var rigtig fuld og selve oplevelsen at blive voldtaget fylder lidt i mit hoved. Jeg husker kun dele af det, af at blive holdt i armledene, føle smerte, græde og sige nej og stop, men ellers var det som om jeg ikke var til stede, som om min sjæl har forladt min krop, og jeg var et andet sted henne.
Det som fyldte mit hoved den næste dag var følelser af skam og skyld som var mere intense end følelser af fysisk og psykisk ondt han forårsagede mig: Jeg lod det ske med mig. Jeg græd i stedet for at skrige alt hvad jeg kunne. Jeg kunne godt have undgået dette ved at blot blive hjemme og ikke drikke.
Min første reaktion var at lade som om intet havde sket og leve videre, men efter at have brudt ud i tåre hver gang jeg var alene, blev jeg nødt til at dele det oplevelse med Louise. Det tog mig måneder og mange samtaler med hende for at blot give slip på skammen, og erkende det at jeg blev voldtaget, begynde bearbejde den psykiske skade han forårsagede mig for at senere endelig komme ud med den historie til min familie og verden.
Den intense skam følelse er grunden til, at der bliver tiet om majoriteten af uønskede seksuelle oplevelser og seksuelle krænkelser. For når man kommer ud med historier som mine, forlænger man sin lidelse. Man skal ikke kun kæmpe mod voldtægtsmanden da man bliver voldtaget, men med hele samfundet som står parate til at betvivle en. Havde du noget udfordrende på? Var din opførsel flirtende? Hvorfor var du alene med en mand hjemme hos ham? Hvorfor har DU ikke beskyttet dig? Hvor den eneste spørgsmål skal være til ham: hvorfor tog du ikke et nej for et nej?!
Feminister bliver ofte beskyldt i at hade eller diskriminere mænd. Men netop ved at spørge offeret de ovennævnte spørgsmål afslører man sin diskriminerende syn på mænd. Man siger simpelthen, at en voldtægt må forventes af en mand. Fordi en mand er en vildt utæmmet dyr, der ikke kan styre sig og må voldtage alt, som bliver efterladt i et rum alene med ham. Han voldtager automatisk alt, som bærer afslørende tøj, og har ingen selvkontrol, what so ever. Han tager hellere ikke højde for nogen andens følelser eller ønsker. På grund af sin natur. Dette er en antagelse, jeg nægter at gøre, fordi gennem mit liv har jeg mødt nok mænd, som har respekteret mig, som jeg uden fare kunne sidde i samme rum alene med, og som aldrig ville overveje have sex med min krop, medmindre jeg også ønskede det. Hvilket får mig til at konkludere, at det, at være en voldtægtmand er den konkrete mands valg, ikke alle mænds natur.

Hvor kommer den skam fra?

Den skam sidder dybt i min underbevidsthed. Jeg har en tilbagevendende mareridt: Min første mand, som har udsat mig for fysisk og psykisk vold, kommer til min lejlighed og siger at vi stadigvæk er gift. Han voldtager mig, og mens det sker, tænker jeg at dette er forfærdeligt, fordi min nuværende mand vil sikkert ikke have mig efter dette. I drømmen tænker jeg altid at nu er jeg dameged goods, nu vil jeg bringe skam over min mand og nu vil han sikkert ikke have mig. Jeg tænker altså ikke på mig selv, men på de sociale konsekvenser jeg vil få på grund af voldtægten. Det er unødvendigt at sige, at sådant tænker min mand ikke. Men hvorfor tænker min underbevidsthed det?
I min drøm tænker jeg, som den bibelske Tamar, datteren af David. Da hun bliver voldtaget af sin halvbror Amnon, tænker hun også i selve handlingen på de sociale konsekvenser. Hun beder ham at først gifte sig med hende og ikke tage hende udenfor ægteskabet, fordi hun ved at dette vil gøre hende til ”damaged goods”. I min underbevidsthed tænker jeg stadigvæk som en kvinde for flere tusind år siden gjorde. Det at en voldtægt årsager alvorlige sociale konsekvenser for kvinden ligger dybt i vores kulturelle arv. Og vi må aktivt arbejde på at komme af med det.
Da jeg har offentlig fortalt om at blive voldtaget, var flere folk fra min omgangskreds pinlige over mig, for det sidder dybt i os alle at det er noget man bør holde hemmeligt. Men det er vigtigt at dele det. Fordi seksuelle krænkelser er en del af vores hverdag ligesom lange køer i netto. Hver tredje kvinde i verden bliver udsat for vold eller voldtægt, og som en mor til to piger, må jeg håbe, at jeg var den ene ud af os tre. Jeg får tåre i øjnene når jeg tænker at det som skete for mig eller mine veninder kan også ske for dem, og det eneste jeg kan gøre er tale åbent om seksuelle krænkelser og forhåbentlig få samfundet til at erkende at det er et kæmpe problem som rammer rigtig mange. Og hvis det nu er skæbnen at det skal ske for mine børn, så skal det være muligt for dem at ikke skulle stå alene med den oplevelse, og skamme sig over en forbrydelse som blev gjort imod dem. De skal ikke lige som mig tie om det, kæmpe imod sin egen skam og betvivles af samfundet.
Når man fortæller om noget så stærkt som en voldtægt, kan det ofte lyde som om jeg kun har oplevet seksuelle krænkelser en gang i mit liv. Jeg oplever det hver dag på en eller anden måde. For sexchikane findes ikke kun i Hollywood, men også i Danmark. For ikke så lang tid siden havde instruktøren af et projekt jeg var involveret i, gammel nok til at være min far, dagligt bombarderet mig med beskrivelser af hans seksuelle fantasier omkring mig, og hentydede samtidig, at havde jeg sex med ham, ville jeg få en rolle i hans næste film, selv om jeg tydeligt sagte fra og skrev at hans beskeder var ubehagelige. Når jeg har delt dette oplevelse i en lukket pigegruppe, hvor vi deler oplevelser af creepy guys på internettet, har flere andre piger skrevet, at han har gjord præcis det samme med dem.
Selv hvis jeg sidder alene hjemme med min nyfødt skal jeg deale med seksuelle krænkelser på nettet. Det er mentalt forstyrrende når fremmede mænd uopfordret sender mig videoer af dem ejakulere, eller skriver hvordan de seksuelt vil misbruge min krop, hvis de var til stede. Det er helt fint de gør eller tænker hvad som helst derhjemme, men når de sender mig deres come-shots bliver jeg engageret i deres seksuelle handlinger uden mit samtykke. Når man klager over det, bliver det sagt at så må man holde sig væk fra internettet og især lad være med at læge billeder op på instagram som jeg gør. Men det at man oplever seksuelt chikane på nettet afhænger ikke af hvilke billeder man ligger op på nettet – mange af mine veninder med fuldpåklædte profiler får den samme slags beskeder.
Historier som den vi fik tilsendt viser at det ikke kun i fjerne imaginære mellemøstlige lande at kvinder stadig udskammes for at nogen har voldtaget dem, men også i nutidens Danmark, hvor piger stadigvæk vokser op med ”har du ikke passet godt nok på dig selv, er det din egen skyld” princippet. Derfor er det vigtigt at dele vores historier. Det er vigtigt at stå sammen. Jeg skammer mig ikke. #MeToo

ENGLISH VERSION

#MeToo – I Am Not Ashamed

Louise just shared a moving story about her being sexually violated on her blog. Read it here(In Danish).
There she also described the letter from a 17-year-old girl, that we received after our fourth radio program of “Ludermanifestet” (literal translation is “Whore Manifesto”) was aired. The subject of that program is unwanted sexual experiences and rape; therefore, I also shared my personal story of being raped and dealing with it. LISTEN HERE (in Danish).

The program got a 17 year old girl to write to me, with her own report of being sexually violated. As a 15-years-old she went for a walk with a guy after a party. She rejected him several times, but what she remembers next is her waking up after a blackout with him having sex in her body and it being painful. She has now spent two years been ashamed of this episode and calling it her “stupid mistake”. She wrote to me because listening to our program made her question if what happened to her was a rape, and therefore wasn’t her fault or something she should be ashamed of.

A rape. When media portrays it, it’s always more or less dramatic: It happens in a dark place like a park or a nightclub, and a complete stranger forces himself on the victim despite her solid resistance. But most rapes are more trivial, and usually happen between acquaintances and at home. Often it takes a few days or years for the woman to realize that she in fact has been raped, just like in the case of the girl we got the letter from. The man who raped me was also an acquaintance, a jolly and likable man, a father and an interesting conversation partner. And I voluntarily entered his home for a cup of coffee after a party. I was really tired and really drunk and the experience of me being raped fills very little of my memory. I only remember parts of it: me being held on my wrists, feeling pain, crying and saying no and stop repeatedly, but otherwise it felt like I was not present, as if my soul left my body and I was somewhere else.
The next day I was overwhelmed with feelings of shame and guilt that were way more intense than emotions of physical and mental pain he caused me: I let it happen to me. I cried instead of screaming all I could. I could have avoided this by just staying home and not drinking.
My first reaction was to pretend nothing had happened and live on, I was determined not to be a victim. But since I kept om bursting into tears every time I was alone, I had to share what happened to me with Louise. It took me months and many conversations with her just to let go of my shame, acknowledge that I was raped, and start processing the mental damage he caused me. And finally, be able to share that story with my family and the world.
This intense feeling of shame is the reason why the majority of unwanted sexual experiences and sexual offenses are held secret by the victims. Because when you come out with stories like mine, you extend your suffering. One is not only supposed to fight against the rapist whilst being raped, but with the whole society afterwards, that more than willingly doubts the victim. Were your clothes revealing? Was your behavior flirtatious? Why were you alone with a man in an apartment? Why didn’t YOU protect yourself? Whilst only one question is in order, and it is HIM who should be answering it: Why didn’t you take a “NO” for a “NO”?!
Feminists are often blamed to hate men or to discriminate men. However, it is by asking the victim questions like that, one reveals the discriminative view on men. One is simply saying that a rape is to be expected from a man. Because a man is a wild untamed beast, who cannot control himself and must rape everything that is left alone with him in a room. He automatically rapes everything that wears revealing clothes, and has no self-control what so ever. He also has no concern for any one’s feelings or wishes but his own. It’s in his nature. That is an assumption I refuse to make. In my life I, thanks God, met enough men who respected me, whom I could safely stay in the same room alone with, and who wouldn’t consider having sex with my body unless I also wanted it. Therefore, I would rather draw a conclusion that being a rapist is a man’s choice, not all men’s nature.
But where does that intense shame come from?
That shame is deeply rooted in my subconsciousness. I have a reocurring nightmare: My first husband who abused me physically and mentally, comes to my apartment and says that we are still married. He then rapes me and while it happens, I think that this is terrible because of what my current husband will think. In the dream, I always think that I am now damaged goods, I will bring shame over my husband and he certainly will not want to have me now. Instead of thinking about myself, I am thinking about social consequences of that rape.
In my dream, I think like the biblical character Tamar, the daughter of David. As she is being raped by her half-brother Amnon, she also thinks only of the social consequences. She begs him to marry her first and not rape her outside the marriage, because she knows that this will turn her into “damaged goods”. In my subconsciousness, I still think like a woman did several thousand years ago. The assumption that rape has to cause serious social consequences for the victim is a part of our cultural heritage. And we must actively work to get rid of it.
Since I’ve publicly stated that I was raped, a few people from my social circle became embarrassed of me, because it’s deeply rooted in all of us that rape is something you should keep secret. But it’s important to share it. Because sexual violations are a part of our everyday life, just like long queues at the DMV. Every third woman in the world is exposed to violence or rape, and as a mother of two girls, I hope that I was that one out of us three. I get tears in my eyes when I think that what happened to me or my girlfriends may also happen to them, and all I can do is talk openly about sexual violations and hopefully make the society realize that it’s a huge problem that affects a lot of people. And if my children wouldn’t escape the fate of becoming a victim, then it should be possible for them not to be left alone and ashamed of somebody else’s crime. They shouldn’t be struggling with their own shame and be questioned by society like I was.
When I openly talk about something as traumatic as rape, it sounds almost like I’ve only experienced sexual harassment once in my life. On the contrary, I experience it every day in one way or another. Sexual harassment in film industry doesn’t only happen in Hollywood. For some time ago, the director of a project I was involved in, old enough to be my father, daily bombarded me with messages. There he described his sexual fantasies about me, and hinted that having sex with him would give me a role in his next movie, although I clearly declined his propositions and repeatedly told him his messages made me uncomfortable. After sharing this story in a closed FB-group where women share experiences of creepy guys on the internet, several other girls have written that he has acted the same way towards them. Even if I’m home alone with my newborn, I have to deal with sexual harassment online. It’s mentally disturbing, when complete strangers send me videos of them ejaculate, or write how they sexually would abuse my body, if they ended up in the same room as me. It’s fine they do and think whatever they want in the privacy of their homes, but by sharing this crap with me they engage me in their sexual acts without my consent. When one complains about it, one often gets an advice to simply stay away from the internet or not publish the kind of pictures that I do on Instagram. However, sexual harassment online does not depend on what kind of images one posts – many of my girlfriends with fully dressed profiles get the same kind of messages.

Stories, like the one we received, show that women are still being shamed and held responsible for them being raped not only in distant imaginary Middle Eastern countries, but in today’s Denmark as well. Our girls still grow up with “If you didn’t protect yourself well enough, is it your own fault ” doctrine. Therefore, it’s important to share our stories. It is important to stand together. I’m not ashamed. #MeToo

   

Ingen kommentarer endnu

Der er endnu ingen kommentarer til indlægget. Hvis du synes indlægget er interessant, så vær den første til at kommentere på indlægget.

Skriv en kommentar

Skriv et svar

Din e-mailadresse vil ikke blive offentliggjort. Krævede felter er markeret med *

 

Næste indlæg

#bringbackthebush. Let’s talk about the hairy V